Journal Entries

What is Future You? February 23, 2022

Future me isn’t stressed or worried about the future. I’m not worried about my skin, what I eat, alcohol, or death. I love to fly and travel. I’m not irritated by noises and sounds. I am less stressed and more outgoing at work or in a large group. I am not afraid to speak up during a conversation or speak my mind. I am writing and journaling about whatever I want, and not worried what people think. I am not worried or thinking about how I am dressed or look based on what others think or do. I believe I am beautiful and perfecct the way I am. My thoughts and head don’t race when I sense the urgency of being anxious or irritated. I don’t feel guilty when I have a drink and I just enjoy being social without worrying about what-ifs. I truly believe I am healthy. I am fucking healthy. I am running like I did as a kid, not thinking or worried about time, pace, or distance. No distractions, just pure joy, how running ought to be. I laugh frequently and love hard, not afraid to share my emotions. I enjoy basketball, throwing the football or baseball, riding my bike, just being active outside. Even rollerblading. Just being a kid, like I remember during my happiest days.

What Are You Most Scared Of? February 24, 2022

Death. 1000%. I am scared to die. I know it will happen some day but I am not ready. I don’t think anyone truly wants to die, it just happens. I feel this fear has almost contributed to a fear of living or not living if you will. Because of my fear of death, it’s caused me to not take that plane trip overseas, or go on that trail run in the middle of nowhere. My fear of death ultimately has created other fears, such as fear of flying, taking risks (certain), being alone, eating or drinking certain things. When I get on a plane, I am always fearful it will crash. This has kept me from taking long trips or travelling to places I want to go, or being spontaneous to visit friends. My fear of death has definitely made me feel uneasy when I am alone. Like dying alone sounds awful. Like what would I do if I were alone and someone broke into my house. My fear of death definitely makes me think about foods and drinks. Like I’ve created this outcome in my mind before it ever happens. This causes me great anxieties. And I’ve been fine through it all. It feels really good to write about my fear of death. I don’t know if I will ever get over my fear of death, and that’s okay.

February 28, 2022

I’ve been reminiscing a lot lately of past times in my life. Like living in SLO, warm weather, the beach, reading decade old emails from PT school, dreaming of being a kid at Seven Hills again. I find it fascinating that all this popped up the last few weeks when I was asked to envision a less stressed me. I envisioned myself as a kid, playing tackle football on the hill with the neighborhood kids, my friends. I didn’t have a care in the world. Didn’t have a phone, a social media, news outlet. I would get my info from reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal. I miss those days, truly. I’ve been in this cycle of trying to be so healthy that I think I’ve created unhealthy habits. Like worrying, feeling anxious, running thoughts, downward spirals, catastrophising. It feels so good to acknowledge this, to normalize it, and to act on it. I enjoy reliving these memories in my head so I know what kind of memories I want to create for my future.

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