June 17, 2022
During my most recent meeting with my wellness coach, they encouraged me to write a journal entry in an attempt to find answers to why I struggle with intimacy and affection. During our discussion, I told her I believe this struggle goes back to my childhood, where I was raised in a household which didn’t display affection openly. Rarely was I exposed to affection between my mom and dad, and when I was, I felt uncomfortable. Perhaps this relates to some of the toxicity which was their relationship, and perhaps this relates to my lack of exposure.
With most of my relationships, at some point I have been asked why I am not more expressive with my emotions/affections. And for the majority of those relationships, I didn’t necessarily have an answer. Not because I was trying to avoid the question, but more so I didn’t fully understand the question. That’s where this reflection has helped. Reflecting on my past, growing up in a house which didn’t openly display affection, has helped me understand how this has helped shape my understanding of affection. With this new found awareness and understanding, I can now care for myself and my inner child, by expressing myself in a way that is my full authenticity.
Caring for my inner child, and listening to how my past has helped shape my present, has been an important step in my healing. I plan to continue practicing deep listening with myself, and I am so grateful for this practice.